Why I’m No Longer a Goal Girlie
Hi there! I am Dariise Shicarra, and I am a retired Goal-Aholic.
I used to be obsessed with having goals and accomplishing them. I would set goals every year and month. I would love accomplishing them as if they were an extension of my own worth.
Today, I am no longer a Goal Girlie.
I am writing this statement to officialize my separation from making steadfast, hard set goals, and to mark my transition to a new era of simple intention setting. Take what serves you, and if it doesn’t, leave it.
Some of the links in this blog post are affiliate links. I will receive a commission if you make a purchase through that affiliate link at no extra cost to you. All opinions are still my own.
Part I: Why Goals No Longer Work for Me?
I have been an over-achiever most ^cough all cough^ of my life. I don’t say that like it’s a good thing. When I was 8 years old, I remember being late for the first day of state tests at school and, I kid you not, while crying hysterically, I told my mother I’d be homeless because I was going to fail the 3rd grade.
Ambition is good, yes, but when it turns into pure tunnel-vision where your life just passes you by and then you lift your head up one day and all of a sudden it’s 2023 and things have all changed and you realize that they’ll just continue to change and you feel like you can’t keep up with all the changing (deep breath)…. That’s when you have a problem, my dear. I had this problem, my dear.
It’s the shirt fa meee…#danielcaesar
I was always so focused on “the next goal” that I could never really enjoy the things that I had already accomplished. I was always focused on what I wanted to get done next, or how I could level up to become “better” that I could never simply enjoy what I had right in front of me. I never felt any satisfaction with what I had done. There was a sliver of gratitude for two seconds and then it was time for the next goal.
I never gave myself credit for anything that I’d done, because I was always looking for ways that I could “do better,” constantly trying to be a better version of myself than the day before.
I know this sounds good, but when you constantly think like this, you end up finding little things to nitpick at within yourself. You start talking badly towards yourself when you mess up. You start living with a lot of regrets instead of being grateful for the life you have. The regrets aren’t even “valid” regrets! They are things like, “man, I wish I had double majored instead of gotten the degree that I got. How could I have been so stupid to not go for engineering?”
Then, the things that you start thinking towards yourself, you end up projecting onto other people. That may sound like: “Oh, don’t do what I did! You should major in engineering like I should’ve.” I found myself saying things like this all the time.
It took me some time to realize that the constant “goal mindset” always led me down the path of beating myself up because whatever it was that I had accomplished never seemed to be enough.
If this sounds anything like you right now then keep reading to learn how I flipped this and finally got out of this self deprecating cycle of mayhem.
Part II: What Works for Me Now?
Step 1: visualize the process, not the end result, in order to make your decisions.
What I learned throughout this goal setting process is that I always ended up focused solely on the destination rather than the progress I made or the joy that the thing brought me. I began retraining my brain to focus on the journey of whatever it was I wanted to accomplish instead of the accomplishment itself.
For instance, I always said I wanted to get my yoga teacher certificate. When it was time to start that process I visualized myself working on the training. Was it something that I think I’d enjoy, or was I simply doing it specifically for the certificate at the end? When I realized that I enjoyed learning about yoga, the body and movement in general, I decided that the training would be worth it. It wasn’t just because I’d be able to use it at the end, but it was because the things I had learned I would be able to carry with me forever.
Step 2: Focus on how you want life to feel rather than material, ephemeral things.
I had always focused on the accomplishments of goals rather than thinking about how the goals would affect my everyday life. This was a big problem.
When I only focused on the goals and the material aspects that those accomplishments would bring, what would follow was a life full of material possessions, but void of the thing that I actually wanted.
When I got an understanding that I simply wanted to do whatever I wanted with the time allotted to me in this life, I got a clear understanding that my goal oriented mentality really left me with little time to do the things I actually wanted to do. This was because I was so focused on using that time to work on those goals instead of doing what made me happy.
Now, I focus on how I want life to feel. I began to realize it wasn’t about the goal of eating healthy, it was about wanting to feel good about the foods that I was putting into my body. It wasn’t about wanting to look a certain way, it was about the way that movement made me feel about myself and about my life in general. It wasn’t about the goal of having a successful blog. I mainly wanted a space where I could share my creative pursuits with others, which makes me feel good.
These “feelings” keep me more consistent than any SMART goal ever has. This is because the feeling keeps me coming back. I focus on that feeling when I haven’t done something in a while, and it almost instantly pushes me to make time for that activity. I carve out the time for myself because of the way these activities make me feel.
Emotions can be used to incite action!
Step 3: Eliminate, Eliminate, and ELIMINATE!!!!!
This step is probably the most critical. Stop trying to do more and more and more when it doesn’t even make you happy to do all the things you are doing.
Have you ever wondered if all the things you’ve added to your to do list, or your goal list, are simply things helping you to fill a void or avoid something in your life that you don’t want to face? Sis, sit down and stop trying to work on yourself to the point where you can’t even see yourself or hear yourself anymore! And by Sis, I mean the both of us!
Cut out the noise, the fluff, the extra stuff and focus on what is essential for you to actually have a meaningful and fulfilling life.
Sit down one day and really think about who and what are the things that bring you the most joy and happiness. Then cut out everything else if you can. If something makes you happy and you know it brings you feelings of joy to the point where just thinking about it puts a huge smile on your face, then Sis, do it!! If it makes you unhappy, your heart sinks when you think about it, then don’t do it, find another way, do something else. But why torture yourself when you don’t have to?
This is your life. You get to decide what gets your attention, energy, and time. Stop trying to prove that you can handle the torture. You don’t have to.
This is exactly how I felt about making YouTube videos about books. You can read about my experience here. Needless to say, I cut it out. I evaluated my relationship with it, and I quit. Call me a quitter, but I am a person who believes it’s important to know when to quit, what to quit, and what to hold onto for dear life.
Step 4: Enjoy your life!
Did you know there are two things in life that are certain? Death and taxes. It may sound somber, but it’s the truth. While our income may determine how much we pay in taxes, it doesn’t determine death. We are all headed in the same direction. But how you live your everyday life is your choice. That is the beauty of life. That’s why it’s amazing to be given another day, because it means another opportunity to enjoy the time you have with the people you love.
Ignore the naysayers, distance yourself from the gossipers, get off of social media (talking to myself here, lol), and go live!!!! Do good unto others and yourself. Take care of the world we live in, but at the end of it all just enjoy life.
When you focus on this, enjoying life, you will soon see that the first 3 steps of this process become a lot easier. You will naturally gravitate toward the things that fill you with joy, and naturally fall away from things that don’t serve you. Sometimes you may have to put a bit of effort into the elimination piece, but do so by finding habits that are enjoyable and mindful.
But steer away from the hard set goals that make you feel as though you just can’t be as good as you “should” be. Get in touch with how you’re really feeling about life. Get in touch with how you want to feel about life. Then eliminate, add, and adjust accordingly.
